På denna sida hittar du judiska vitsar och citat, både på engelska och svenska. 

Har du egna på lager kan du gärna skicka dem till oss - om vi skrattar mer än en minut kan skämtet hamna här på sidan.
Skicka vitsarna till vitsar@judiskhumor.com.

Vitsar (på svenska)

Sånt en judisk mamma aldrig skulle saga…

“Du kan väl bo ihop med honom… ni behöver inte gifta er… Jag behöver inte ha barnbarn”

”Om du är snäll ska jag köpa en motorcykel åt dig till din födelsedag”

”Hur kan du se tv:n när du sitter så långt bort från den?”

”Strunta i jackan – det är ganska varmt ute.”

”Jag tycker ett stökigt rum tyder på kreativitet”

”Jag brukade också skolka från skolan som barn.”

”Låt alla lampor i huset vara tända…då ser det inte så dystert ut.”

”Kan någon höja volymen på stereon, jag vill höra också.”

”Spring och hämta en sax till mig, skynda dig!”

”Jag har ingen näsduk med mig, torka av dig på ärmen.”

” Om Daniels mamma sagt att det går bra så är det o.k för mig.”

”Mitt möte ikväll slutar sent, är det o.k för er om vi hoppar över middagen ikväll, barn?”

”Jag såg att din prenumeration på Playboy gått ut, så jag betalade för ett år till.”

”Vaddå Mors Dag?, Strunta i det ni. Åk till stranden och ha kul istället!”

”Du behöver inte ringa mig varje vecka, jag vet hur upptagen du är.”

”Din pappa är helt fantastisk, hoppas du blir som honom.”

”Din fru vet bäst – strunta i råden jag gav dig”

        

En jid ringer för att beställa ett telefonsamtal till Hässleholm på 30-talet.
Han frågar växeltelefonisten:
"Chvad kosta samtallet"
Hon svarar:
"Det kostar 20 öre perioden..."
Han frågar då:
"Ah perioden... unt chvad kostar per kristen...?"

Insänd av Harry Goldstein

Tre judar är dömda till döden. De står framför exekutionspatrullen. Officeren går fram till den förste juden: Önskar ni en bindel för ögonen? ”Ja, tack.” Officeren ställer samma fråga till den andre och svaret blir ”ja, tack”. Officeren frågar den tredje. Moses svarar: ”Jag önskar inte få någonting som helst från er.” Den andre i raden vänder sig då till Moses och säger med bekymrad röst: ”Moses, ställ inte till med något bråk nu.”

Advokaten har samlat alla anhöriga och han läser högt och tydligt. Så kommer han till punkt fem, de fyra först nämnda personerna har var och en fått ärva stora belopp. Punkt fem: Till min kära onkel David. Jag lovade att inte glömma bort dig i mitt testamente. Det gör jag inte - jag sänder dig mina hjärtligaste hälsningar.

David Glicksman, som kommit upp sig en smula, beställer ett par fina byxor hos skräddaren Motke Schnajder. David Glicksman har gått flera gånger till Motke, förgäves. Inga byxor. Efter sex veckor och fyra besök blir han arg. Motke Schnajder, i himmelens namn, det har gått sex veckor nu, sex veckor och inga byxor. Såå? Så frågar du, Ribono Shel Olam, tag G-d som vittne, det tog honom, vår Herre, bara sex dagar att skapa denna värld. Javisst, svarar Motke, men titta hur den ser ut!

Andra världskriget i Wien. Salmen går till en resebyrå. Han är beredd att resa vartsomhelst. Resebyråmannen tar fram en stor jordglob. De går tillsammans igenom varje land. Judar får inte komma, visum krävs o.s.v. Det visade sig absolut omöjligt. Det fanns inte ett enda land på hela jordgloben, som var villigt att ta emot judar! Då säger Salmen lugnt: Har ni ingen annan jordglob?

En judisk homosexuell man ringer hem till sin mor för att berätta att han blivit hetero eftersom han träffat en underbar kvinna som han vill gifta sig med.
- Det var väl goda nyheter mamma? Nu slipper du vara bekymrad över att din son är homosexuell.
- Mycket goda nyheter bubele. Men att hon är judinna är väl att hoppas för mycket?
- Hon är inte bara judinna mamma hon kommer från en rik familj i USA.
- Vad heter hon bubele?
- Monica Lewinsky
Lång tystnad uppstår.
- Vad hände med den där trevliga katolske mannen du umgicks med för ett år sedan?

Vet ni förresten hur man gullar med en judisk hustru?
"Gucci, Gucci, Gucci..."

Vitsar (på engelska)

A communist, fascist and a Jew are stranded on a desert island. They find a bottle, shake it and sure enough a genie appears. He has only three wishes to grant so he says they can each make one wish.
The communist says, "I wish you would get rid of all the fascists in the world."
The genie replies, "Okay, consider it done."
The fascist says, "I wish you would remove all the communists from this world."
The genie agrees to this wish also. The Jew thinks for a minute then says,
"So let me get this straight, there will be no more communists or fascists? I'll have a diet Coke!"

An Italian wife tells her husband to buy Viagra; a Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious. "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 100 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran from memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew. "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of Manhattan. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-d! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday...."

A women was sending her only son to school for the first time. She told him, "Now, bubila, this is your first time at school, bubila, and I want you to be a good boy, bubila, do you understand me, bubila? And when you come back from school, bubila, you are going to tell me everything you learned today, okay bubila?"
And her son replied, "Yes Mama."
And he went to school. He came home and his mother said to him, "Well, bubila, what did you learn in school today?" And her son replied, "Mama, I learned that my name is Irving."

Two little Jewish ladies are having a discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much; just going out with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose : Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg last week. You wouldn't believe what happened! He took me to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. Once we were in my living room he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there, right then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear a shmatah. (trasor)

Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"
The second confesses: "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."
The third, Moishe, begins: "I don't know how to tell you...."
"Don't be shy," the two friends said.
"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Little Moishe comes running to Mummy after kindergarten: "Mummy, Mummy, I have a part in the play at kindergarten!" He is very excited about it. "What is the part, Moishele?" asks mummy.
"I am playing abba." Mummy thinks long and hard. "Moishe, I want you to go back to your teacher, and tell her you want a SPEAKING PART."

How do we know that Jesus was a Jew?
He lived at home until he was 30.
He went into his father's business.
His mother thought he was a god.

Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced. "They have EIGHT guys rowing and only ONE guy shouting."

A Jew and a Chinese man were having a discussion. All of a sudden the Jew punched the Chinese guy in the nose. Being very surprised, the Chinese guy asked the Jew what the punch was for. He replied that it was for his brother, who died at Pearl Harbor in 1941! The Chinese guy was astonished. "That was the Japanese, not the Chinese!" he exclaimed. "Oh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, you guys are all the same!"
The conversation continued....
After a while the Chinese guy punched the Jew in the nose. "Wow, what was that for?" asked the Jew. "That was for my brother who died on the Titanic," was the reply. "The Titanic? What does that have to do with me?" the Jew wanted to know. "Oh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, you guys are all the same!"

Citat

"Tänk om allt är en illusion och ingenting existerar.
Då har jag definitivt betalat för mycket för min matta."
     Woody Allen

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
     Woody Allen

"How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them."
     Groucho Marx

"I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
     Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
     Groucho Marx

"A man is as young as the woman he feels."
     Groucho Marx

"These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
     Groucho Marx

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "
     Groucho Marx

"Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
     Groucho Marx

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
     Groucho Marx

"I like what they do to fags in this country -- throw them in jail with a lot of men. Very clever!"
     Lenny Bruce

"I sort of felt sorry for the damn flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper."
     Lenny Bruce